May 21, 2008 | 3:45 PM
Category:
Political
I
received the attached blog-posting and instantly recognized its merit.
And
now I am privileged to share this rare diamond in the rough with you,
my readers, in its entirety, unedited, unexpurgated (I’ve been infatuated with
that word
ever since I first saw it on the cover of Lady Chatterly’s
Lover – the
unexpurgated edition….). Okay, it’s not my cup of tea. The
ideas herein.
But sometimes it’s okay to turn my blog-space over to someone
else – after all,
I don’t get paid extra to crank out this blog so it’s
kind of like getting a vacation - having a guest-blogger do the heavy-lifting.
So today, here at the John Schwada
Blog-Salon, we’re blessed to have as our inaugural
guest-contributor the
bold, the original…..
Okay, okay, okay…. so he’s really a half-wit with
herpes – and
wrote his posting while sitting in 15
inches of lukewarm bath
water, surrounded by the flotsam of burnt-toast crumbs,
coffee cups,
cigarette butts, Diet coke cans and yellow ducks –
all of it
drifting aimlessly around in his little sudsy sea of despair.
A pretty
picture, indeed. But I digress and I need to turn over the stage to
our
guest blogger (please, please!!! be tolerant of his
idiosyncrasies, facial tics and nasty temper...after all some of our greatest
authors/bloggers have been covered with warts...)
But before you’re sucked
into our guest's alternative universe,
let me warn you that his political views are hybrid, shaped by
Ezra Pound,
Squeaky Fromm and Olaf the Swedish
Conscientious Objector.
But please excuse me - I’ve got to stop this self-centered babbling and let our
guest-writer do his thing. So, without further introduction, I give you
our distinguished person-manque…the wonderfully self-absorbed,
incredibly illiterate, Joe ----- whose blog, I might add, was actually
inscribed on a Nabisco wheat thin, written in Cyrillic with a fine-point
Scripto pen (did I tell you about his Russian ancestry?). This little
bit of edible bloggery has been re-typed – at my expense (it really is a
small matter to be a midwife to such an astonishing bit of insightful
bloviation) - into standard blog format and is now available for your
consideration….
But …but not to delay the moment of truth (as a
former bull-fighter, our
guest writer, earned a brief living in Tijuana
wrestling with bull) or
prolong your ecstatic anticipation of the EVENT
for much longer, I would
like to offer up a sidebar tale about our
guest-speaker-author-sufferer’s exotic story; he’s a sui generis
performance artist-phenom who has made a name for himself in venues like
the Place de la Concorde (yes, of course, it’s the same place where they
beheaded the French aristocracy) and Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley for
his daring experiments in body-piercing. What makes his self-inflicted
art-wounds so visually satisfying is that they’re done with antique
safety pins, engraved with very tiny little portraits of saints (St.
Christopher crossing a stream with a baby on his shoulders is one of my
personal favorites).
Anyway, our guest-blogger, who has been
waiting patiently for his debut
on this blog (he is now drinking his third
shot of Wild Turkey in the
green room of his mind), is actually held
together by various gymnastic
leaps of faith and the aforementioned safety
pins (there’s not really
much earthly matter, molecular glue or
whathaveyou involved in his makeup).
Finally, after all this waiting,
let us read, hear, listen to his
original prose, written – must I repeat
myself? - on a wheat thin wafer,
in Russian (actually an obscure form of
Russian only spoken by the
survivors of the Stalin-era gulags, a prison
patois if you will)….
So, at this time, I have the great pleasure to
introduce – whatever is
his name? It’s slipped my mind, but let’s get on
with it – just one last
observation: the popcorn that’s available in the
back of the room was
made by my deceased aunt in 1978 and was used
originally to decorate a
Christmas tree in Sturgeon, Missouri (one string
of this popcorn was
festooned around her head, in her casket, and made for
a lovely
send-off). That was a long time ago but the decorations are
heirlooms
and there are numerous references to them in the family Bible,
under the
heading: “Crazy Auntics.”
So, unless there are any
questions, I’d like to close out this
installment of the “John Schwada
Guest Writers Blog” and applaud our
author du jour who has so
extravagantly graced our website. I thought
the Tanqueray was quite good –
even without the olives.
No questions? Oh! Yes! I am so sorry!!! I
almost forgot – our guest
editorialist, an exquisitely Unterrified Man of
Insight (his brain was
once found inside a bowling pin set-up machine)…Joe
– I’ll spell his
last name (it is impossible to pronounce because it has
no
vowels)…B-L-Z-T-K….
And here, finally – drum roll please - is Joe's unexpurgated and unplugged
blog offering:
"Lying polit8icains - Repbublicans and Demodorats! wwho's gtoo vote for a thrid wright parrty canddiate. how's bt barr or nadir.. bettr thn silly hilly, obma husei or mcSAme....damnn4et. by tghe illegal wqay, anyone out there no a good frackin' pizza in azusa? "