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John_Schwada's Blog

by John_Schwada from Los Angeles

Last Post 10 days, 3 hours Ago


I received the attached blog-posting and instantly recognized its merit.
And now I am privileged to share this rare diamond in the rough with you,
my readers, in its entirety, unedited, unexpurgated (I’ve been infatuated with
that word ever since I first saw it on the cover of Lady Chatterly’s
Lover – the unexpurgated edition….). Okay, it’s not my cup of tea. The
ideas herein. But sometimes it’s okay to turn my blog-space over to someone
else – after all, I don’t get paid extra to crank out this blog so it’s
kind of like getting a vacation - having a guest-blogger do the heavy-lifting.

So today, here at the John Schwada Blog-Salon, we’re blessed to have as our inaugural
guest-contributor the bold, the original…..

Okay, okay, okay…. so he’s really a half-wit with herpes – and
wrote his posting while sitting in 15 inches of lukewarm bath
water, surrounded by the flotsam of burnt-toast crumbs, coffee cups,
cigarette butts, Diet coke cans and yellow ducks – all of it
drifting aimlessly around in his little sudsy sea of despair. A pretty
picture, indeed. But I digress and I need to turn over the stage to our
guest blogger (please, please!!! be tolerant of his
idiosyncrasies, facial tics and nasty temper...after all some of our greatest
authors/bloggers have been covered with warts...)

But before you’re sucked into our guest's alternative universe,
let me warn you that his political views are hybrid, shaped by
Ezra Pound, Squeaky Fromm and Olaf the Swedish
Conscientious Objector.

But please excuse me - I’ve got to stop this self-centered babbling and let our

guest-writer do his thing. So, without further introduction, I give you
our distinguished person-manque…the wonderfully self-absorbed,
incredibly illiterate, Joe ----- whose blog, I might add, was actually
inscribed on a Nabisco wheat thin, written in Cyrillic with a fine-point
Scripto pen (did I tell you about his Russian ancestry?). This little
bit of edible bloggery has been re-typed – at my expense (it really is a
small matter to be a midwife to such an astonishing bit of insightful
bloviation) - into standard blog format and is now available for your
consideration….

But …but not to delay the moment of truth (as a former bull-fighter, our
guest writer, earned a brief living in Tijuana wrestling with bull) or
prolong your ecstatic anticipation of the EVENT for much longer, I would
like to offer up a sidebar tale about our
guest-speaker-author-sufferer’s exotic story; he’s a sui generis
performance artist-phenom who has made a name for himself in venues like
the Place de la Concorde (yes, of course, it’s the same place where they
beheaded the French aristocracy) and Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley for
his daring experiments in body-piercing. What makes his self-inflicted
art-wounds so visually satisfying is that they’re done with antique
safety pins, engraved with very tiny little portraits of saints (St.
Christopher crossing a stream with a baby on his shoulders is one of my
personal favorites).

Anyway, our guest-blogger, who has been waiting patiently for his debut
on this blog (he is now drinking his third shot of Wild Turkey in the
green room of his mind), is actually held together by various gymnastic
leaps of faith and the aforementioned safety pins (there’s not really
much earthly matter, molecular glue or whathaveyou involved in his makeup).

Finally, after all this waiting, let us read, hear, listen to his
original prose, written – must I repeat myself? - on a wheat thin wafer,
in Russian (actually an obscure form of Russian only spoken by the
survivors of the Stalin-era gulags, a prison patois if you will)….

So, at this time, I have the great pleasure to introduce – whatever is
his name? It’s slipped my mind, but let’s get on with it – just one last
observation: the popcorn that’s available in the back of the room was
made by my deceased aunt in 1978 and was used originally to decorate a
Christmas tree in Sturgeon, Missouri (one string of this popcorn was
festooned around her head, in her casket, and made for a lovely
send-off). That was a long time ago but the decorations are heirlooms
and there are numerous references to them in the family Bible, under the
heading: “Crazy Auntics.”

So, unless there are any questions, I’d like to close out this
installment of the “John Schwada Guest Writers Blog” and applaud our
author du jour who has so extravagantly graced our website. I thought
the Tanqueray was quite good – even without the olives.

No questions? Oh! Yes! I am so sorry!!! I almost forgot – our guest
editorialist, an exquisitely Unterrified Man of Insight (his brain was
once found inside a bowling pin set-up machine)…Joe – I’ll spell his
last name (it is impossible to pronounce because it has no
vowels)…B-L-Z-T-K….

And here, finally – drum roll please - is Joe's unexpurgated and unplugged
blog offering:


"Lying polit8icains - Repbublicans and Demodorats! wwho's gtoo vote for a thrid wright parrty canddiate. how's bt barr or nadir.. bettr thn silly hilly, obma husei or mcSAme....damnn4et. by tghe illegal wqay, anyone out there no a good frackin' pizza in azusa? "
8 Comments |  Add a Comment

Member Comments Total Comments: 8
Page 1 of 1
JimmyBobby
May 21, 2008 | 7:29 PM

Sometimes it's just impossible not to be condescending. You restrained yourself as much as humanly possible, John, we know that.

John_Schwada read my blog view my photos
May 22, 2008 | 7:19 PM

does anyone else out there hear the sound of catydids, buzzing in the elm trees? it's so tranquil here, like a summer evening in the midwest. i think i'll go over to the pond and skip stones.

John_Schwada read my blog view my photos
May 22, 2008 | 9:23 PM

crafty: that's not meth. it's hyper-bs. by the way, is that a small crafty?

gita-dormat view my photos
May 25, 2008 | 6:29 PM

Well, then crafty, i guess that's the last time i allow you to run my bath for me !

gita-dormat view my photos
May 25, 2008 | 6:29 PM

Well, then crafty, i guess that's the last time i allow you to run my bath for me !

DMMickie read my blog view my photos
May 26, 2008 | 2:39 PM

Craft- Oh, assumed you were IA since you said you work in the Industry. Guess you are not concerned about fuel prices either. Know wonder you watch FOX.

DMMickie read my blog view my photos
May 29, 2008 | 6:05 PM

Crft- YOu admitted to voting for BUSH! LOL!!!!!

Herr Schwada: look what I found on Mayor Sams Sister City.

-" News Director said:

John Schwada will be retracting his story that Jamiel was killed because he was black, because now he, Chris Blatchford, Lynette Romero, Laura Diaz, and others from LA's media who once thought it was race now firmly believe that Jamiel was killed because he was claiming R. 20s Blood. Its all over his myspace page and all his friends have Blood references all over their pages right now.
Posted May 24, 2008 12:22 AM"

-is this true?

John_Schwada read my blog view my photos
May 30, 2008 | 10:36 AM

dmmickie:

for the record: i've never talked to mayor sam's sister city, they've never called me, asked me any questions about this topic and - here's the big one - i have never considered retracting anything i wrote abt the jamiel shaw case.

and why should i? after all, the controversy over the shaw murder, as i've covered it at fox 11 news, has NOT concerned why shaw was killed; rather my focus has been on the failure of the authorities to do their job - if they had done it, the accused killer, pedro espinoza, would've been deported or have been in ICE custody instead of, allegedly, gunning down shaw. i think our reporting has been on rock-solid ground on this issue. moreover, this tack in our reporting WOULD NOT BE NEGATED even if jamiel shaw were a gangmember.

it also remains a fact that the lapd has never claimed shaw belonged to a gang...

you mention shaw's myspace appearances. let me say this about that. on myspace, as on this very website, people often engage in role-playing that is not representative of who they are in "real" life. young people in particular are prone to striking theatrical poses - which often includes adopting some of the posturing, the masks, of gang members. don't tell me you've never heard of white kids throwing crip signs and talking trash like they were from the 'hood?

while his myspace posturing should be taken into account, it is by no means reliable evidence shaw was a gang member...and, like i said, according to the cops, there's no record to support a contrary opinion.

Page 1 of 1


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John_Schwada

This photo of the Fox 11 News crew - producer Bob Tarlau, center, cameraman/editor Darryl Kim, right - is from our Pepsi Center live-shot position. As a reporter at Fox 11 News, I have covered national political conventions, presidential impeachment hearings and gubernatorial recall campaigns. I've done double-duty as an investigative reporter and, in this capacity, won Golden Mike and Emmy awards. I also have labored in the newspaper biz: LA Herald-Examiner, the LA Times, the San Diego Union, the Arizona Republic and the Riverside Press-Enterprise. I went to UC Berkeley and learned to respect the sharpshooting ability of Alameda County's "blue-meanies" who could hit protesters in the derriere with buckshot from 50 paces. I'm now looking for a wealthy benefactor who will donate their villa in Spain to me and my family.

Member Since: 7/4/2006