Philby's Blog

Three years ago I left my wife of 20 years because I could not take her abuse any longer. Abuse I allowed due to my marital cowardice. It was not direct abuse like she beat me, but a more subtle mental thing. Basically I was never good enough. She always took back gifts or I bought the wrong thing. I cut the grass in the wrong direction or too tall or too short. The steak was too tough or not seasoned correctly. She wanted milkballs and I bought Goetzes.  She was overweight and it was my fault. I bought food she could not help herself from eating. It all sounds trivial and much of it was...but it goes deeper than these simple things and after 20 years it wears a person down. COWARD.
We fought...about these things and more. Family issues were a huge source of pain (as in mine sucked and hers didn't), work issues (I was a field tech and drove a nice work van so I didn't have a real job...I just played...for $40k a year) and other similarly demeaning things. The constant comparisons to my brothers who had issues according to her, the insults to my parents. My mom was ill and used a lot of meds so she was a druggie. My Dad was old school and spoke his mind so he was abusive and a bully. These are comments she would make to me. It wears on you...trust me. I tried to fight her on it, but I usually gave in and agreed with her to keep peace in the home. COWARD!

The fights often turned physical, with both of us guilty in being violent. I hated cleaning up broken glass and crystal. She would throw our glasses at my feet (and sometimes at me) when I yelled at her. I would break knick knacks or throw things. It was ugly and shameful. I couldn't leave...that's usually when it got physical...she would block the door or grab me to stop me. One time she pushed my butt though a wall between the studs trying to keep me from leaving. Funny at the time, but a symptom of a bad marriage. Of course we stupidly had kids and stayed together. The fights went on and on. Counseling helped...as long as I was willing to change. COWARD.

A turning point (from my cowardice) came in 1999/2000. My mother was gravely ill, had been for some time. I only lived 2 hrs away at this point, so visits should not be a problem, but they were. My sister and wife were in major conflict due to some lifestyle issues. My sister lived with Mom due to financial and personal reasons. Mom wanted to see us..she wanted to see her grandbabies (10 and 6). But unfortunately my wife insisted that we could not go there as long as my sister was there. Ok so sister would leave and we go visit..problem solved. COWARD. Except for Christmas...  Now in my family we celebrate on Christmas Eve..always have and it works well for the married ones and in-laws. Well it was unfair to my sister to maker her leave for Christmas especially since my mother was so ill. Now do you think in the Christian spirit differences could be overlooked? Even for my mother's last Christmas on earth? Hell no! Instead my wife committed us to work at the church for the 7:30 and midnight service on Christmas Eve. We were youth leaders and I ran the sound system most services. What do you do? She fought with me and forbade me to take the kids alone.
Now if I forced the issue how good was that for the kids. So I cowed and we went up the day after Christmas, because of course we had to do Christmas day with her Mom. God forbid we should miss that or compromise. Didn't want to hurt her mother's feelings now did we?COWARD COWARD COWARD!

So long story short...I missed my mothers last Christmas on Earth. One that she spent with her children (except for me) and her numerous grandchildren and loving husband of 54 years.
My mother passed away on January 8th, 2000 after suffering in a coma for four days while we all stood helplessly by her bed and watched. She had a DNR and was in Hospice care. My father passed away in Oct of 2001 after battling emphysema for some time. I did not spend the time I should have with him either as a result of my marital cowardice. COWARD

So now we come to 2005...and guess who's mother is very ill and in the hospital? Guess who drops everything to go to her side for 3 weeks and leaves her husband to run the family business and the kids to fend for themselves?  Guess who did not get to do that when his mother and father were gravely ill? That's right...when my mother was dying I had to take care of my wife and kids and go to work and fulfill my obligations to the church..etc etc...
Well that was THE turning point I suppose, or at least a catalyst. I finally woke up and decided to be a man, or thats what I told myself. I didn't end it like a man though...I cheated on her..seeking comfort where I should not have. COWARD!

So now after 3 long years of violence, fighting and ugly unfair court battles I am free...if you want to call it that. I will never be free of the guilt...the financial loss, the pain...my childrens pain...my family's pain. See that's what happens when you are a coward...when you fail to stand up and be a man of God and hold fast to faith and principle.
There is more to this story of course and my ex caused her share of pain and destruction after separation...but that will have to be written another day. The bottom line is that I was a coward in my marriage and in my faith and many have paid the price for it. So if you read all of this I hope you take a lesson from it. You see my wife treated me that way because I let her. I never held her respect enough to make it stop, because I gave in to make peace. Sometimes that is not always the right answer. Even when we are wrong we need to demand respect and maintain our self esteem. That's something I failed to do..and now I have paid a heavy price for it.
You don't always have to fight, but always.. always maintain and demand respect. You can be humble without being humbled.

Thanks for reading......God Bless.