candy

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  SAD NEWS

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma Complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as 'a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded.' Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still considered a
crusty old man and a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, and three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus, they had a bun in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held for about 20 minutes at 350.

 

with so much bad news lately......isn't it time for Sharing a Funny.........go ahead laugh

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CUBAN MOTHERS! However, she wasn't really Cuban she was Lebanese. So Imagine that........talk about communism...in my house. However, I give anything to have my mother and father AGAIN.........................I miss you so much.

The great things my Mom taught me: My mother taught me

about RELIGION - "Pídele a Dios que yo no te agarre."

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Deja que lleguemos a la casa, BLEEP!"

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ? "Mal-agradecido, cuando yo era chiquita no tenía nada!"

 My mother taught me about LOGIC ? "Cómo que por qué? Porque Si!"

My mother taught me about INSPIRATION- "Si llegas con malas notas te voy a hacer comer la chancleta"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM- "Tú crees que >te lo sabes todo y no sabes ni limpiarte el culo!"

My Mother taught me about CONFUSION - "BLEEP la Madre que te parió!" (Wait,

 isn 't that her?) Que vivan las Madres Cubanas!!! 

False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.

— Socrates

To you, my friends...

 

A Beautiful Woman
Be Sure to read about Audrey Hepburn at the end
Now I lay me down to sleep          I pray the Lord           My shape to keep.  

Please no wrinkles        Please no bags             And please lift my butt            Before it sags.  
                       
Please no age spots      Please no gray         And as for my belly,       Please take it away.  
                    
Please keep me healthy       Please keep me young!  And thank you Dear Lord
                     
For all that you've done.
                     


                 Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'




Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?

Well, it is and that means you!!

I'm supposed to send this to FIVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,

and you are one of them!!

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her 'beauty tips.'  
It was read at her funeral years later.


For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;

one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

  "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the
inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.".
- Sir Winston Churchill  

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto.   

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.  

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.  

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken

and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.  

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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What were you thinking?   
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

I don't know about you sometimes!

you GUYS ARE TOO FUNNY..............it is not ONLY HISPANICS....that can't speaketh the English...............there are many...........way too many too count.......Wonder if Barack has a law to implement THE ENGLISH ONLY IN AMERICA..................that would be an interesting debate.....ya think

§ Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1.Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…J
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I 'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

This is truly amazing.............MY LORD..........its just so humane...

 

AN AMAZING photo of a Chihuahua fetus. No, really.

 

This morning while hubby was putting on his pants both legs at the same time to mark his superiority to common man, he ripped them. They were good pants. I guess it was inevitable; he was Icarus flying to close to the sun.

Learn from his mistake: Put your pants on one leg of a time just like everyone else. There’s a reason they do it that way.  I don't want this to happen to anybody else.

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"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

the BLEEP bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the BLEEP out of you about it, every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy BLEEP.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;

"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

  
 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
! -------------------------------------------------------
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
--------------------------------------! -----------------------------

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ? 

8-- You take her to bed and tell her a story. 

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. 

At 28 -- You don't need to tel l her a story to take her to bed. 

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. 
 
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! 

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? 
Wouldn't you love to say this to someone?

AND REMEMBER: 
Good friends are like stars. 
You don't always see them but you always know they are there. 

BLESSED ARE ALL THE CRACKED PEOPLE.........FOR THEY LET THE LIGHT SHINE THROUGH.......................HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY

Make Up: $ 40










Hair Stylist:  $75










Body Waxing: $110










Custom Tattoo: $150










Sexy Designer Outfit: $225










Collagen Lip Enhancement: $400










Boob Job: $6 ,000




forgetting to tuck in your nuts................PRICELESS........

...lmaoff...OK...SO I COULDN'T POST THE PICTURE...but you get it.......

 Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist   

 

 If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? 

 Be here now.  Be someplace else later.  Is that so complicated? 

 Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish. 

 Wherever you go, there you are.  Your luggage is another story. 

 Accept misfortune as a blessing.  Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.  What would you talk about? 

 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy. 

 There is no escaping karma.  In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.  And whose fault was that? 

 Zen is not easy.  It takes effort to attain nothingness.  And then what do you have?  Bupkis. 

 The Tao does not speak.  The Tao does not blame.  The Tao does not take sides.  The Tao has no expectations.  The Tao demands nothing of others.  The Tao is not Jewish. 

 Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. 

 Let your mind be as a floating cloud.  Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.  And sit up straight.  You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders. 

 Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. 
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. 
Each blossom has ten thousand petals. 
You might want to see a specialist. 

 Be aware of your body.  Be aware of your perceptions.  Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. 

 The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. 
The Buddha says, There is no self. 
So, maybe we're off the hook. 

A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. 

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work....

You have three wishes." 

"I'm not falling for this.", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie." 

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" 

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.  "OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink" 

***POOF*** 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." 

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." 

***POOF*** 

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." 

***POOF*** 

He was turned into a tampon. 

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.