survivormom's Blog

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place.



Once it's your turn, you check
for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.



Finally, a door
opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.



You
get in to find the door won't latch.



It doesn't matter, the wait has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern

'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.



You
would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so
you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in
her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume
'The Stance.



'In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles
begin to shake.



You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to
wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.



' To
take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the
empty toilet paper dispenser.



In your mind, you can hear your mother's
voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN
there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.



You remember the tiny
tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your
purse.



(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up
trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do.




You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.



It's still smaller than your
thumbnail.Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.



The
door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet.



'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.



It is wet of
course.You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.



Your bare
bottom has made contact w ith every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was
any, even if you had taken time to try.



You know that your mother would be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never
touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't
KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.



'By this time, the automatic sensor on
the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream
of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine
mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your
shoes.



The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.



At
this point, you give up.



You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted.



You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found
in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.



You can't
figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you
wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.



A
kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper
trailing from your shoe.



(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the
paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,
'Here, you just might need this.



' As you exit, you spot your hubby,
who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.



Annoyed, he asks,
'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your
neck? 'This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest???
you've GOT to be kidding!!).



It finally explains to the men what really does
take us so long.



It also answers their other commonly asked questions about
why women go to the restroom in pairs.



It's so the other gal can hold the
door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 44th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially at this time,
I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner
And Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart . I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.
But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and -
Poof! - the husband became 92 years old...

The Moral of the story...

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember...

Fairies are Female.

Gentle thoughts for today.
 
Birds of a feather flock together and dirty on your car.
 
A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
 
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
 
He who hesitates is probably right.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame.
 
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
 
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
 
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
 
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
 
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
 
Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.
 
Growing old ain't for sissies.
 
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN. !!
 

Why, Why, Why ,   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone Believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?   Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses Are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.  

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins! Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized'.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson'!

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BEHIND THAN YOURS

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental
> Hospital.
>
> Please select from the following options :
>
> If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
>
> If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
> 2 for you.
>
> If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5
> and 6.
>
> If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what
> you want, stay on
> the line so we can trace your call.
>
> If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
> forwarded to the
> Mother Ship.
>
> If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a
> little voice will tell
> you which number to press.
>
> If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
> number you press,
> nothing will make you happy an yway.
>
> If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
>
> If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the
> beep or before the
> beep or after the beep.
> Please wait for the beep.
>
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
> If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
>
> If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our
> operators are too busy
> to talk with you.
>
> If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up,
> turn on the fan, lie
> down and cry.
> You won't be crazy forever.
>
> If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll
> just mess it up.
>
> This coming week is National Mental Health Care
> week. You can do your
> part
> by remembering to contact at least one unstable
> person to show you care.

I love this one!

 

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
Little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
Honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and
Said, "Here - try these on."
She did and said, 'These are too big,;I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
"Ever since that night we never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike.  He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
Honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these
On."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,
"Here-you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude,
You never will."
And they lived happily ever. 

Merry Christmas Mission

I'm on a mission and I'm in full throttle now. My little red car has turned into a Christmas billboard with written across the back window. Yes, I've decided to trek off to work everyday on the public highways with a message that seems to offend people.

At stop lights, I even turn my music up a little louder, and to top it off, I sing along with it. Don't I know that stopping at a red light to roll my windows down only to share the joy of Christmas carols on public streets is a No-No? Don't I fear the Christmas Gestapo and those who would have me remove the written message from my car?

I'm sorry folks, but the only person I'm concerned about "offending" during this Christmas season is the Lord himself.
 LEAVE THAT MANGER ALONE!

We've allowed the Baby Jesus to be kicked out of His lowly manger, and those offended by Christmas are still not happy.

I refuse to let this happen. I'm going to do my part to make sure doesn't become extinct. Because like it or not, if the believers in Christmas don't take a stand now, it's gone forever.

Listen folks, the Christian community has been underestimated before; we will have to show ourselves again.

I walked into a Wendy's Restaurant the other day and was rather exuberant with my greeting to the manager. He didn't have much of a response and I said, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" He said, "We're not allowed to use the words
  when greeting customers. We can only say "Happy Holiday."

This morning I grabbed a quick breakfast at a Whataburger Restaurant. I noticed there wasn't a single decoration in the store. I asked the manager why they weren't decorated for Christmas. He told me the corporate headquarters decided not to send any decorations to any of their stores, and he didn't know why.

After I heard about all the Macy's and Federated Stores taking down their signs, the Target stores not allowing the Salvation Army to "Ring the Christmas bells," and the many incidents of children, choirs, and bands not allowed to play or sing Christmas carols, I realized it was happening right here in my own little Texas town.

How can this be? Not Texas!

 We do, however, have a store, Hobby Lobby, that plays nothing but Christmas carols during the season. On Christmas Day they run a full page ad in our local newspaper. That ad is not to promote the store, but uses the entire page to tell the story of Jesus' birth. Now that's taking a stand. We need to thank them.

When I saw a news report the other evening of children being taught new words to a song we've sung for years -
"We Wish You a "
- I was saddened to hear "We Wish You a Splendid Holiday."

I know now that it's just a matter of time till the greetings will be gone. Look around your town. Notice the "Holiday" greetings and not "Christmas." It's happening right before our very eyes.

Start singing the songs; go down the streets of America singing to your heart's content. Get some of those wash-off markers that these kids use to write on their car windows when they're rooting for their hometown football team. It's easy to do, and if a torrential rain washes it off, write it on there again.

We've got to get this message out.
" Go Tell It On the Mountain . . .
That Jesus ."
Sing it, speak it, be a billboard for our Lord.

The story of this "Baby Jesus" alone has brought about more goodwill at this time of year than any other day we celebrate. How can we sit back and allow Him to be snuffed out of our lives?

Is it Jesus, or is it His followers that the "offended" don't like? What kind of revulsion galvanizes one to campaign so vehemently against the mere mention of His name, the mere singing of a carol, or the mere visual of a sign that says

I can listen to my own boss at work use some of the vilest words and follow up with, "Excuse my French." I may cringe inside at his damning of God's name, but I tolerate it. So if you don't like me wishing you a

I'll say, "Excuse my joy." You may cringe that I celebrate the birth of Jesus, but just tolerate it.

 I cannot be concerned that offends you. If I'm not careful, the day will come when saying I'm a Christian will offend you.

I'm offended that you're offended. How about that?

When we get to a point that we can no longer take part in a tradition we hold dear, we have no choice; we either defend that tradition or we give it up to those who say NO. That's it . . . period. So, which will it be?

I'm not giving up my joy to anyone. If I know of someone that celebrates another holiday during this time of year, I will be glad to wish them whatever holiday they want. Just tell me what it is and I'll shout it to the world and wish you a grand celebration.

Just give me Christmas. To you merchants: Stop being so hypocritical and "filling your tills" on the back of Jesus! Who do you think is the symbol of giving at this time of year? It was the wise men bringing gifts to the newborn Christ-child.

You want your coffers full, but have ordered your employees to take down all the signs. If that's the case, I'll buy gifts at a place that understands my joy.

If you're worried about offending someone, you just did. The most recent Newsweek survey shows that 82% of Americans believe that Jesus is the Son of God. So, in trying not to offend a few, you've offended many.

It's okay to jump into the spirit when it fills your cash register, but let's call it something else . . . and don't stop giving . and don't stop buying. . . we'll just change the name and you'll never know the difference.

I know the difference and I'm feeling it greatly. It's hard not to be aware that townships across our country have actually banned the singing of Christmas carols because it might offend someone. And it's not just the religious songs; it's the secular ones too. No more "Jingle Bells" or "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" because they're associated with Christmas. Boy, aren't we getting sensitive?

If we're not celebrating Christmas for the hope it gives with the birth of our Savior . . . there is no hope!

My freedom to celebrate Christmas in the tradition of the Christian religion is as much my right as it is your right to be offended by it. So what are we going to do? Did anyone hear me . . what are we going to do?

Do we defend a person's right to go forward with a time tested tradition (how about 2000 years?), or do we defend a person's right to end it all because they're offended? As long as we live in this great land and have the freedom to express ourselves and what we believe in, we will always offend someone.

If we try to make everything right for everyone, we won't have anything for anyone.

May you always have in your heart!

I really hope this turned out ! I came across this and wanted to share. Thought with the way some of you feel about Christmas you can undersatand those of us that feel offended when we want to keep Merry Christmas alive.

  

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank 
in the United States.
The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough
 to have it published in the New York Times.

 

  Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised of the following changes: I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. 
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. 
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. 
This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, Day.

Without Warning Urban Legend

Most of you have read the scare - mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend", this one is not. It's happening every day. 
I'm sending this "warning" out to a few of my closest friends.
You too may have been a victim - read on.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of July 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these?
What happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living
out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end
(although badly attached at least three inches lower than the
original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. 


Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

Age? Age had nothing to do with it.
Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity.

NO,

I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! 

That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again!
Was it lifted from you?
Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings.
 Look familiar?
Are those your eyelids on that movie star?
I think I finally may have found my thighs...and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax!
This is happening to women in every town every night.
Now Warn your friends, while there is still time!

As I was watching my children play the other evening I was wondering what is the deal with Lightening Bugs?

I mean, here is this rather ordinary looking flying insect, that has a glow-in-the-dark rear end.

I'm sure science has all kinds of explanations about how this fluorescent fanny is useful for mating and other stuff, but why did God choose to make the lightening bug glow?

Just watching the kids and the Lightening bugs takes me back to those summer nights of my youth. I'd be running around the yard with my empty Mason jar, racing toward the flashing lights all around me. I still feel the joy and hear the laughter echoing through my memories.

Lightening bugs were as much a part of summer as fireworks, fresh tomatoes, and big slices of juicy watermelon.

God created so much diversity in this world, much more than is needed for us to enjoy it.

We can get so busy surrounding ourselves with man-made goods that we don't notice the living tapestry all around us.

The only purpose I can see for the painted rear end of a bug is the laughter you hear and the smiles you can see on everyone's face.

George Carlin's Views on Aging:

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

    If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about again that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead....

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!! And then the greatest day of your life....

You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 2. YESSSSS!!

But then you turn 30. Ooooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED;  we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa!! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So, you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, MAKE it to 60, You've built so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a Day-by-Day thing; You HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and everyday is a complete cycle; You HIT lunch, you TURN 4:30, you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm a 100 and a half."

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!!

 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.

     Let the doctors worry about them, that is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning, learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever! Never let the

     brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's Workshop." And the devil's name is

     Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long, and loud. Laugh until you gasp for a breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire lives, is ourselves. BE ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your Refuge.

8. Cherish your health: if it's good, preserve it. If it's unstable, improve it, If it's beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by numbers of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!!

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.....

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars....see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it  "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks, once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance to the Prophecy!.

8. Don't use punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go".

12. Sing along at the Opera.

13. Go to a Poetry Recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friend you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won"!

18.When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we have to let one of you go".

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of Insanity....

Pass this on to someone to make them smile....

It's called therapy.

Wanted- Easygoing, relaxed, loving type to care for infant. Should enjoy rocking, cuddling, be able to sit patiently for 20- minute feedings every three or four hours. Must be a light sleeper, early riser. No degree necessary.

        Job description changes at the 18 month period.

Must be an athlete in top condition to watch over tireless toddler. Needs quick reflexes, boundless energy, infinite patience. ESP helpful. Must be able to drive, cook, phone, work despite constant distractions. Would consider pediatric nurse with Olympic background.

       More advancement at another 18 months.

At this point must be expert in early childhood education, to provide stimulating, loving creative individualized learning environment. Should at this time be experienced in art, music, and recreation. Two hours off five days a week when nursery school is in session.

       Job stability improves somewhat when the child is between 6 and 12. If you have made it this far you will find it much easier to cope now.

Must be an expert in play at this stage. Willing to be a room mother, block mother, and public relations skills needed for dealing with teachers, PTA officers, and other parents. Must like mud, insect collecting, pets and the neighbor's kids.

      Job description changes again at the age of 13 or 14, must be ready for new challenges.

At this point must move to adolescent psychology, with experience in large quantity cooking. Tolerance is a must! Danger of hearing loss due to this stage, must provide own earplugs.

At 16 years, you have ample time now to take on another job. You will be needed to supply money, clothes, music, and wheels for a soon to be college student. Your advise is NO longer needed.

For all those mothers out there who have gone the distance, And all those who are still in the race..........

                                         HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!

My second grader brought this home Friday from school. It is really cool and it worked with both my cell phone and house phone.

What they come up with.....

First, Get a calculator.

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number. (NOT the area code)

2. Multiply by 80

3. Add 1

4. Multiply by 250

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

7. subtract 250

8. Divide number by 2.

Recognize the answer?

Here's another one....

What is 111,111,111 x 111,111,111=

Second grade?